in a bad place...still
wow it has been forever since I've written and things havent gotten much better!
I still question this pregnancy and question our future every day
I know its pointless to think about it now because whats done is done I'm pregnant and there is not changing that but each day I sit and think "what the hell have we done"
I will find out in two weeks what we are having, I would love if its a boy so my husband can have a son to get that father son bond that I think mothers and daughters have and since we have two girls already and my stepdaughter a boy would be something totally different
All I have been feeling is girl girl girl vibes for weeks and all I want to wear is pink pink pink
then last night I had a dream I had to go to the dr and I was bleeding so they said they would do and ultrasound to check on the placenta and the tech told me its a boy and showed me his boy parts on the screen I woke up so freaked out, could it really be a boy??
I'm preparing for a girl and hoping for a boy, of course above all a healthy baby is top priority and second thing you think about is boy or girl, maybe I'll feel better once I know I'm really anxious about it
I dont know what I"m going to do about work after I have the baby, we are using our next years tax return to pay for a 12week leave because since I work part time I dont get short term disability but I dont know how I'll go back to work
4hrs on sat and 6hrs on monday are the days my mom watches the girls, she said she wont watch 3 kids but I think I could get her to do the saturdays but not the mondays and I CANT drop mondays and no way can we afford to loose any money and I am POSITIVE my husband will not have a different job, he is one of those that would stay in a crappy job for 10yrs rather than take the effort to find a new one and he's already management so no raise in site
I am starting to feel the baby move now and that does fill me with joy but a moment later I'm just filled with fear
I have been fighting with my almost 4yr old lately she is just out of control lately, her sister (almost 3) is so mellow its hard to have one so defiant and short tempered and stubborn and then one so laid back, my older daughter is SO much like me and when she is an angel she is the sweetest ever and when she is being bad it is so so bad, I know we will always fight because we are so much alike and I try to calm the anger but with hormones too its been really tough lately and then again I think what a crappy mother I am to yell at my kid and why the hell am I having another one, just to F that one up too?
I dont know if all my fears anxiety etc will fade once the baby is born, I dont think it will, the baby will not stop the bills from coming in, the baby will not stop the fact that we have a teenager to deal with as well or the fact that I have no room to put this baby in or the fact that I have to work to help pay the bills and cant arrange a work schedule without my moms help
ugh, thats where I'm at cyberspace just lost in my anxiety and self doubt
what I try to keep telling myself is that if I werent pregnant I know myself well enought to know that all I would want is to be pregnant......................... isnt it ironic, dont cha think?
I still question this pregnancy and question our future every day
I know its pointless to think about it now because whats done is done I'm pregnant and there is not changing that but each day I sit and think "what the hell have we done"
I will find out in two weeks what we are having, I would love if its a boy so my husband can have a son to get that father son bond that I think mothers and daughters have and since we have two girls already and my stepdaughter a boy would be something totally different
All I have been feeling is girl girl girl vibes for weeks and all I want to wear is pink pink pink
then last night I had a dream I had to go to the dr and I was bleeding so they said they would do and ultrasound to check on the placenta and the tech told me its a boy and showed me his boy parts on the screen I woke up so freaked out, could it really be a boy??
I'm preparing for a girl and hoping for a boy, of course above all a healthy baby is top priority and second thing you think about is boy or girl, maybe I'll feel better once I know I'm really anxious about it
I dont know what I"m going to do about work after I have the baby, we are using our next years tax return to pay for a 12week leave because since I work part time I dont get short term disability but I dont know how I'll go back to work
4hrs on sat and 6hrs on monday are the days my mom watches the girls, she said she wont watch 3 kids but I think I could get her to do the saturdays but not the mondays and I CANT drop mondays and no way can we afford to loose any money and I am POSITIVE my husband will not have a different job, he is one of those that would stay in a crappy job for 10yrs rather than take the effort to find a new one and he's already management so no raise in site
I am starting to feel the baby move now and that does fill me with joy but a moment later I'm just filled with fear
I have been fighting with my almost 4yr old lately she is just out of control lately, her sister (almost 3) is so mellow its hard to have one so defiant and short tempered and stubborn and then one so laid back, my older daughter is SO much like me and when she is an angel she is the sweetest ever and when she is being bad it is so so bad, I know we will always fight because we are so much alike and I try to calm the anger but with hormones too its been really tough lately and then again I think what a crappy mother I am to yell at my kid and why the hell am I having another one, just to F that one up too?
I dont know if all my fears anxiety etc will fade once the baby is born, I dont think it will, the baby will not stop the bills from coming in, the baby will not stop the fact that we have a teenager to deal with as well or the fact that I have no room to put this baby in or the fact that I have to work to help pay the bills and cant arrange a work schedule without my moms help
ugh, thats where I'm at cyberspace just lost in my anxiety and self doubt
what I try to keep telling myself is that if I werent pregnant I know myself well enought to know that all I would want is to be pregnant......................... isnt it ironic, dont cha think?
posted by Susan | 4:48 PM
2 Comments:
All your fears are soooo normal and things will work out eventually. I know life seems tough now but there are so many worse things that could be happening. Be glad your kids are healthy and that your relationship with your hubby is good. And BTW, I have found all 4 year olds to be a little evil at times, I think it's the age and I've gone through that. Keep positive, pray if you have to, and hang in there and I agree if you weren't PG now you'd be trying to be so it's definitely meant to be.
I wrote this blog, I know I didn't but I might as well have in my sleep. I am 33 and do NOT want to be preg over 35. We have enough(just) money and two girls (7, almost 5)but another kid would hurt. I am a SAHM and hubby works his butt off to make it happen. Our youngest gets the shaft with extras. Her older sister gets first dibs and littlest gets only one extra.
We have been trying for two cycles and I just can't do it again. Husband feels like a member of our family is hanging out there waiting, I say we are done. Two hands two kids. I was alright with the idea of a third and had it happened then, alright, but it didn't and I feel like that's my out. My last exit off the highway. Then I read your don't do it post and WOW. I must be you. You think and write every thought I have/had. It is amazing. I hope you get an amazing child out of this. I hope that husband has a great career change. I know love is enough and my husband was 1 of 5 and they grew up poor and are great people. Have faith. I don't know what I will do but I know you will do well.
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